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Explosions, BBQ, and Uncle Sam: The Beauty That is The Fourth of July

Landon Nguyen Jul 04, 2024 9 min read
Explosions, BBQ, and Uncle Sam: The Beauty That is The Fourth of July

Explosions, BBQ, and Uncle Sam: The Beauty That is The Fourth of July

Ah, the Fourth of July! The one day a year when it's socially acceptable to turn your backyard into a war zone, your diet into a questionable science experiment, and your fashion sense into a patriotic fever dream. Let's dive into the hilarity that is America's favorite summer holiday.

The Art of the BBQ

The Fourth of July BBQ is an American institution, right up there with baseball and arguing about politics at Thanksgiving. But while it sounds simple enough—grill some meat, eat said meat, repeat—it's actually a minefield of potential disasters.

First, there's the grill itself. It seems like every year, someone forgets how to operate this glorified outdoor oven. You'll see Uncle Bob furiously flipping burgers that look more like charcoal briquettes, while Aunt Linda is frantically Googling "how to tell if chicken is cooked" for the hundredth time. Pro tip: if it’s still clucking, it’s not done.

And let's not forget the experimental chefs. There's always that one guy who insists on bringing his "world-famous" jalapeño-infused, bacon-wrapped, cheese-stuffed hot dogs. Spoiler alert: they taste like a heart attack on a bun, but no one has the heart (pun intended) to tell him.

Fireworks

Fireworks are the pièce de résistance of any Fourth of July celebration. There's nothing more American than setting off small explosives in your backyard to celebrate America's independence. However, this thrill is often accompanied by mild terror and a potential trip to the ER.

Watching a group of adults trying to light fireworks is like watching a slapstick comedy. First, there's the mad dash to light the fuse and run away before the thing explodes. Inevitably, someone miscalculates and ends up diving behind a lawn chair, while another brave soul yells, "I think it's a dud!" just before it goes off.

And let's not even talk about sparklers. Sure, they seem harmless, but give a bunch of kids a stick that's literally on fire, and you're just asking for trouble. Every parent’s internal monologue during this time: “Please don’t burn down the house, please don’t burn down the house…”

The Fashion Parade

The Fourth of July fashion show is a sight to behold. Imagine an explosion at a flag factory, and you’ve got the general idea. Suddenly, people who normally dress like they’re extras on The Office are sporting head-to-toe red, white, and blue. It's like a national competition to see who can look the most like an American flag.

You’ve got Cousin Jenny in her star-spangled bikini (despite it being only 70 degrees out), Grandpa Joe in his “Uncle Sam Wants YOU…to get me a beer” T-shirt, and little Timmy wearing a hat with more sparklers than a birthday cake. It's a patriotic fashion disaster, and it's glorious.

The Drunk Uncle: An American Tradition

No Fourth of July is complete without the Drunk Uncle. This is the guy who starts the day with a beer at 10 AM and, by fireworks time, is loudly singing "God Bless America" while trying to get everyone to join in. He’ll regale you with questionable historical facts ("Did you know Benjamin Franklin invented potato salad?"), and at some point, he'll inevitably challenge someone to a wrestling match on the lawn.

Of course, everyone will be too busy laughing (or hiding) to actually wrestle him, but it's all part of the charm. Just keep an eye on him when the fireworks come out; he’s got a bad habit of trying to light them with his cigar.

The Morning After: The Hangover of Freedom

Ah, the Fifth of July. Also known as “Why Did I Eat That Much BBQ” day. You wake up with a pounding headache, a sunburn in the shape of an American flag, and a yard full of smoldering firework remains. The fridge is stuffed with half-eaten potato salad and mystery meat skewers, and you swear you’ll never look at a hot dog again.

But despite the chaos, the burns, the questionable food, and the Drunk Uncle, there's a certain magic to the Fourth of July. It's a day when we come together to celebrate our freedom, our weird traditions, and our love of blowing things up. So here’s to another year of hilarity and mayhem—Happy Fourth of July, everyone!


Love, Your favorite Canadian, Landon


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